I lay standing in the middle of what seemed to be an illusion. A bed of crystal blue water that gleam brightly under the sun’s’ beaming rays. Revealing the undertones of blue and grey glistening in the pupil of my eyes nearly blinding me.
The faint blond hairs on my arms grew upwards as the breeze of the salty wind came into contact with my delicate tanned skin. Creating a pattern of bumps along my body. I shivered as the sun came to the time of day it was to say goodbye.
My long sandy blonde hair grew past my lower back letting my tight curls run wild. Blowing in my face hiding my identity that of who I was. I tied it up revealing the most prominent feature of face. Orange reckless covered my entire face. I believed it was a gift but others viewed it as strange. Many said the deep blueness of my eyes took away from everything present on my face. I was told my eyes had a compelling effect, as it was like peering into an ocean full of secrets and mystery, which hadn’t been far from the truth.
I was petite. I felt invisible within a crowd of people. I was a typical teenager sixteen to be exact, and I wore short shorts and a t-shirt anywhere I went. It was the type of lifestyle I adapted to growing up in California. I had a path but needed time to escape my nightmare. I was simple. Unlike the rest of the outgoing girls who surfed or shopped around. My passion was planning out what the future holds for me, and each minute of my day that passed I record in my journal which holds most of my life within.
As a young girl I never figured out what my purpose was, and as I grew older the answer only became a blur of confusion. I eventually lost myself to someone I couldn’t recognize internally and externally, as well as the people around me.
I was a young girl when I figured out my dad wasn’t always away on business trips, more like a vacation away from my mother and I for a long time. I began to blame myself as I saw my mother hurting at the fact he walked out on us, but it killed me to realize it wasn’t her fault. Dinner was always waiting for him most of the time it grew cold, and soon it was never touched again. The things that functioned in the house were because of my mother. I saw for myself the love story they shared once upon a time, and finally I came to terms with my inner being I was the reason for their separation.
There was a point in which I lived a whole other life, where coming home to my mother was a dread. I began to isolate myself away from the one person I knew truly loved me. I wasn’t able to be apart of her life since I already began distancing myself away from her. Loving her became a hardship because I didn’t know how to love myself first. Looking into her eyes and telling her everything was okay when it wasn’t broke me inside. The days lagged on longer in misery, and the nights I had to think became shorter. Each morning was a battlefield trying to dodge the questions that drew my mother to become suspicious of my behavior.
I began to forget about food, hanging out with friends and family, and really anything that use to drive me to reach my goals and dreams. I began rejecting myself and told myself I was worthless, which was the unexplainable feeling that lingered around me depriving the little life left in me.I was not only a stranger to my mother, but i was also a stranger to myself. Constantly dragging me down in an insidious darkness, even in the realm of good company. Nothing around me could take me away from it, not even my mother.
My mother and I once shared a bond so tight it was impossible to think that anything could separate us. But the seperation of my parents took an unexpected toll on me. The only escape I found was writing my thoughts down in my journal, but after a while, I lost the passion to write. Nothing mattered anymore. Each day I looked in the mirror and the liveliness in my face enclosed into a deep dark hole I wanted to flee. The sight of skin and bones made me feel breakable, like the fight in me was completely ripped from my arms. I felt lost. I felt stripped of my being.
Soon the voices in my head were the only thing I could turn to. I thought I was going mad. Indeed I was. I neglected the only person I had left in this world. It was too late. She had been left waiting for too long. I let her wait and because I did I lost her once and for all.
I pass by her grave every single day and talk to her from down here. I know she’s listening as I feel her presence warm my heart.
My pledge to walk told the world I was strong
